Always Will Be
by droidgirl
Summary: The reason why Buffy just can't.


When I was younger, when Mum and Dad were in the midst of the divorce, the one thing I wanted in a man, was that he would st

Always Will Be

Disclaimer: Own nothing

Buffy's POV:

When I was younger, when Mum and Dad were in the midst of the divorce, the one thing I wanted in a man, was that he would stick around, no matter what happened to us. Like in the movie Moulin Rouge…the whole 'Come what may' thing…although I would prefer it if I didn't have to sing. 

Then I fell in love for the first time. The real thing of course, not just one of those 'relationships' I had back in Hemery High. I loved Angel. I still love him. Ever heard the quote 'Blessed is the man who a woman loved first'? It's true. First love is what a girl can never forget. The sweetness of it, along with the pain. There is always pain when it comes to love. Even if one was not the slayer and one's boyfriend was not an ensouled vampire. 

Of course, life isn't fair. As much as Angel and I loved each other, we could never be together. He left me, and there was nothing I could do about it. That's where I started to realize that no matter how strong love could be, it could not overcome every single odd. 

Riley. He was my next boyfriend…I never loved him. 

I didn't mean to not love him or waste his time of course…I was more in love with the notion of having a boyfriend who was devoted to me and could have an almost normal life with me than I was in love with him. I blame myself completely for losing him, but I'm not that sorry about losing him. We were happy. We did normal couple stuff. But we lacked passion. No, I'm not sorry it's over. We just weren't meant to be.

I need someone who understands what I am. Who could accept every bit of my life completely and loved me with all the passion in the world. Who would give up his life for me and fight the odds no matter how daunting the task was. That's where Angel fell short. I think that's where I fell short as well.

It was quite amazing when I found all that in his eyes. He suits me like no one else does, and I suit him better than any of his previous lovers. 

We could be soulmates.

And therein lies the problem.

Spike has no soul. If he gained one now, he would not be the Spike I…

The Spike I cannot love. The Spike I must not love.

It's so hard sometimes…It's not his fault that I can't love him. He can't help being a demon and I can't help being human. Being a slayer has nothing to do with why I can't be with him. 

Would any other decent and good human choose to be with a soul-less demon? I force my voice to harden when I tell him that He's a demon. I can't ever be with him. It sounds so heartless even to me…but it's the truth. Even if I gave in to what I wanted, what he wants, our love can never be whole and perfect, simply because he is a demon. It's wrong. It's the most basic example of wrongness. 

Angel is different, no matter how Spike keeps telling me he's a demon as well. Angel has a soul. That's all the reason that let me love him. Spike doesn't have a soul, all the reason I can't love him. I mean, his instincts as a demon is to be evil. He could stop killing for the rest of his eternal life for _my_ sake, but that's not enough. He has to _want_ to not be evil for _himself_. The need to be good that every human soul should have within itself. 

Love can't overcome every odd. 

Unfortunately, Spike does not give up. I hate hurting him every time I reject him, but I figured, the only way he could back off, was if he believed I did not love him. 

I thought I could really pull it off. I thought that maybe, I could succeed at it. 

I stopped thinking when Glory had caught him. I might have told the rest that we had to kill him if he told her anything, but I knew deep in my gut, I just knew that he would never do that. I was right. 

Everything changed after tonight. I can't continue being the cold bitch to him, no matter how much my heart tells me to hurt him so badly by rejecting his courageous actions so he would stop hurting himself by wanting what could never be.

But I still can't love him. 

I don't love him. 

I will always be a human. Spike will always be a demon. 

End of story.


End file.
